dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
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Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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