she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
