so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
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I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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