I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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