yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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