Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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