If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit