life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me