sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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