Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
