My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Randomize
