my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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