i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
