Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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