I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
