i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Randomize
