tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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