He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
