I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
