she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
