god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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