Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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