is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
