I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
