david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
