Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
