i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
