party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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