I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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