so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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