I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
