So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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