I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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