we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
