I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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