You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
