woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
