Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
