Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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