girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
