i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
