I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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