During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
