Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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