hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't put those talents on a resume
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
