I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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