Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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