I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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