I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
