im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
