I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
