Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
