I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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