Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
