I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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