some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
