that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
