zippers are such a cool invention
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
