Swine flu. Run for my life!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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