Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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