I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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