i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
